I find it extremely difficult that God could be perfect. Perfection does not exist on this earth, therefore I do not understand it. I know that I am not supposed to understand perfection, just as I am not to understand God’s infinite nature. However, I have been hurt too much to want to give into a perfectly benevolent being. I do not trust God to not hurt me as friends and family have done in the past. I do not want to trust God to be…God.

I started this post over a week ago, and sadly just now am I getting back to it. Much has happened since this thought entered my fragile, little brain. However, the thought is no less true or life-altering today than it was in its infancy.

Here is the crux of the problem: it is not necessarily my finite capacity or my past, but it is simply me. In other words, I make this issue about me, myself and my pride. Do you see it? Because I am holding onto perceived hurts and pains from my past, I cannot allow myself to fathom God being who He is and says He is.

Here I am back at war metaphor (I know that I am male and war metaphor seems manlier, but I do typically like to avoid it, just for the sake of avoiding the Christian cliche). I am caught between a war of affections. I am trying to serve two masters: God and myself. In so doing, I serve neither fully and no one is satisfied. I am caught in no man’s land and I’ve contented myself in a foxhole amidst the screaming shells and blazing explosions. Given enough time, I know I will not survive. This is no place to live a life. Sorry, now I will return from WWI haha.

I think the ultimate example of selflessness began with God in 1 John 4:10–11. He sent His son as a sacrifice for our sin when we did not consider Him a friend. I think about this and it blows me away. God sent the greatest gift one could give for those who did not love Him. He sent Christ to save His enemies. I do not love my enemies, let alone can I even pretend that I would think to sacrifice my only son so that they might be saved from some impending doom. Sorry, but I have to be honest on this one. Christ willingly walked to Calvary so that He might save me, before I had any knowledge of Him, before I called Him my Savior. Willingly! I could go on for a while, but I will cut myself off shortly.

What if I lived my life following this example? What if my relationships mirrored this? What if my interactions with my family showed this kind of sacrifice? I do not think that this is too much to ask or far fetched at all. What if I got beyond myself and my pride, even just for a moment a day to start..?