The world might just stop spinning. Once again, I’ve missed a day…I’m sorry, I’m just making fun of myself right now. And, it’s now Wednesday and I’m about to the point of absolute exhaustion.
Last night at bible study, I was able to better realize how fortunate I am from an emotional and mental standpoint. The bible study recapped Portico’s message about honoring one’s mother and father. As the talk centered around forgiveness and reconciliation, I could not help but feel convicted that I am more than blessed to have sought forgiveness and reconciliation in regards to my parents. For those of you who do not know, they are now divorced after the better part of five years being separated. There were significant effects in my life from that event that I came to terms with over the summer while out in Yellowstone. It is so true that we don’t appreciate the tings we have until they are the things we miss most. It wasn’t until I could not see my parents every day that I realized just how much they love me and care about me. It is because of that, I know the hurt that was caused as a result, direct or indirect, was never intentional. The pain I inflicted upon them was significantly less incidental. No, I have not worked everything out completely, but I have a good foothold and I feel so incredibly fortunate. I do not have to wake up one day 20 years down the road and wonder what happened to the relationship I had with my parents and maybe I do, maybe I don’t get the chance to fix things. Sure, my parents are not perfect and they are not together, but they sure as hell love me to death and for that I am grateful. I don’t take enough time appreciating this fact.
Truth be told, I’ve been spending most of my time today praying against this overwhelming exhaustion I feel right now. Too fast, too long, too often, just too much. Everything in my life is one shade of extreme or another. There is little balance and that is, as I’ve convinced myself, just how it is. FALSE! I quoted Matthew 11:28–30 a little while back. What a hypocrite am I? Was that just flowery language? Could it have been a way to show off my “Christian-ness”? May it not be so! If I am truly believing in my freedom in Christ, then why am I still doing this on my own? Why am I still a slave to the clock, money and multiple other vanities? I know all this, but I suffer a common problem stated by Paul in Romans. I lack follow through. I tell myself that my inability to get rest, to overcome pride and false-god worship, is because there is something I can’t put my finger on in between me and God’s power. NO NO NO NO NO! I am in between myself and this great power. It is my lack of faith and pride itself. I am unwilling to let go and let this God who put my parents in my life to mirror his love towards me, who loves me without end, to provide in the doting way that only He knows how. I am unwilling to accept His grace and mercy because I want to earn it. You cannot earn what is priceless. I wish I thought about that fact more often. Obviously, I don’t. I need to, and I need it badly.
So, a good friend asked me if I have ever recorded my music before and I, in my grouchy mood, snapped back, “No.” (I just had to reformat that quote because it’s syntactic incorrectness bothered me) I mean, I would love to. Truthfully, making music for the rest of my life would be my dream job. There is quite possibly nothing on this earth that makes me happier than being around, listening to and making music. However, I am a Computer Science major and I just don’t see much of a way for that to happen. Pardon my lack of vision, but that is simply how I see it.
Now, I have to go to bed, because I agreed to open tomorrow morning on top of my scheduled Monday, Wednesday, Friday openings for my boss.
I’m so excited to be going home this weekend. It’s my mom’s birthday and I get to see her, my sister, dad, aunt, uncle, cousins, and the list goes on…Yes, I really do love my family. They keep me normal. By normal, I mean they keep me from becoming dull =). If a family weren’t crazy, then it simply would be boring and you would be significantly less than normal yourself, as I believe all families are crazy in their own rights. Ok, now I promise I’m going to bed